December 2010

I just spent a lot of time writing a post, and when I went to publish it, it dissapeared! So, I'm not writing today, but will take the time another day. 2010 has been a beautiful year, and I thank God for seeing me through it all. I am eager to see that I make it through the goals and aspirations that I have for the new year.

December 1 2010

Yesterday I completed my Personality class. I had to complete the interview with a woman with MS named Dawn Gusty. This was my idea because I came across the article shortly afterwards signing up for the assignment. Part of me was accepting the determinism part already, after the selection that i was interested in was already taken by anothr student. I had been too late to sign up for the individual presentations. I'm glad I didn't. What attracted me to the article is that Dawn is recieving a contriversial stem cell treatment that is illegal here in the US. The Dr's here suggest that they are not doing the treatment there correctly, there are too many confounding variables that make it difficult to determine what the change may be. However, Dawn does report a significant change. Afterall, she is feeling less nerve pain in her legs, and has eliminated her medications, for the time being. My case of presenting this, I prepared myself very well, for weeks to be exact. I still became overwhelmed at the start of my speech, that I lost consciousness breifly where I couldn't recollect what it was that I was needing to say next.I stumbled over myself several times, and it' was all a blur for most of the presentation. I can barely remember what was said, I think however, I got most of the details in, although I'm sure that I appeared lost at times. I knew that this would be a challenge for me, but i know that I have come a long way. A few years ago, I was much worse, and there have been improvements. I really don't care about it anymore. I took my test, I wrote my position paper using Adler and Jung, I did not study as much as I should have, which is evident in my lower grade. However, I'm hoping if she loved our presentation, I will turn up an A minus. If so that would be good enough to keep me at the same GPA as current. Otherwise, I will have to try harder next class to keep it up. I'm hoping to at least make it Honor Roll, so that I can wear a special sash for the Graduation. I do not know who will be there. I still have three classes left, I believe and two practicums. Then I shall be done. I can finally put the past behind me. My next goal in life is to move to Washington. once that is accomplished, I will need to focus on establishing my identity there, including work, and completing my Licencure requirements for the state, and possibly starting a new venture altogether. I still ahve hopes of sewing and making soaps,dying, and possibly living in a Yurt? I'm not sure what the future will hold, but I'm so glad that I've endured these days here in Tennessee putting the foundations down for me, no matter how hard it has been. I am now largely in debt, but was it worth it? Yes I would do it again. Ultimately, I will attempt to pay my loans back, but I'm not too concerned. I will do my best. I started taking RCIA classes at St.Rose Church several weeks ago, and I will hopefully become Catholic this Spring at Easter Mass. That will be a big day for me. The next big Day will be my granduation from Trevecca. I am still volunteering with CASA. In March it will be one year. I will be looking for a new place to volunteer next year. I'm hoping to have a practicum that will lead me to a good job. I will remain part time, so that I don't get overwhelmed. I just might find somethign wroking with chronic pain clients. That is my hope, I'm not sure if it will last but it's an interest possibility for now.Peter recieved a new treatment which helped him feel better for about two weeks. That is a good thing, as he went without a cane for that time. It has been one of the most difficult things for me to do, but I'm hoping that I have become a better person for all that I do. This next month I can focus on helping the girls around the house, mostly gracie with her school work, and spending more time with Andy. They are really struggling to get along, it always creates stress in our small family. I'm also hoping to find a larger house to move to, and if not I'm pulling this carpet out if we have to stay here. This year has been the most beautiful one, and it's been so womderful being a part a a beautiful family. Every moment has been precious to me, despite the small hicups we encounter. There are some things that I need to work on in the new year, but I believe that we can make it through better then ever before. About the only part I wish to change in my life would be to have a better job that is more in alignment with my aspirations. Perhaps because I am still defining them, it is the reason that I am still where I am at. I don't want to waste my time anymore, and if it means staying where I am at for now so that I can focus on graduating, then that is in my best interest. I think that I might like to find some place to work with chronic pain patients. Who knows where this path is leading me? Sometimes I have focus and sometimes I lose it. Lets see how much the new year will provide!

September 2010

Time Flies...it's September and so many things have happened. Kyle turned 15, Gracie is now 6, and it's almost Andy's turn to be 9. I have started a Marital Therapy class this semester. I had to withdraw from a summer class because our Volvo finally died. It took time to get another car, and I did not have the transportation to Nashville. I started a job, it pays minimal, but it's part time and fits around my schedule. I will have to switch around come January, because I will need to get into a Saturday cycle to pick up the classes I need to graduate. I am still struggling to stay focused, but for one I have managed to stay off any drugs, and eliminate alcohol from my life. I have to do an assignment that has scared the shit out of me, but I am getting closer to it, and will overcome my fear next week. These are the hardest classes yet. It's actually putting what we learn into practice, which requires being able to explain and understand what to do, not just recite or store in memory. Finally, I have to actually use what I am learning. This is a first for me in many new ways. It's kind of exciting, but then I also experience some doubt at times. I have also been volunteering with CASA, and am not sure if I will pick up a new case or not when this one ends. I am seeking to volunteer at Domestic Violence Center here, and it's one hour a week, assisting with facilitating with a group. I would like to be albe to say that I have had the experience with group work. We will see how that goes. I will be ready for my practicum next Summer, and that will be a positive experience, hopefully leads me right into a job. I anticipate that I will greaduate next Fall 2011. This is the one goal I will focus on from now until next year, as I put away my sewing supplies, because I often have multiple task and goals that split me up, and then nothing really feels completed. I want to still get into making bags and possibly totes, dog collars, and chains, and continue sewing but right now I have to get this degree behind me. I was able to sew up quite a few things over this summer, and that it's self was rewarding. I cleaned out my old scraps, and reduced my fabrics, and dust is beginning to settle on the machines. I have my clothing selling at Sugarees in town. I sold 1 item. I decided not to pursue that becuase it detracts my attention on my education and working toward my degree. Perhaps, it's was always my way of procrastinating, and really doing what I was really called to learn to do. Change isn't easy, and I'm learning that facing our fears can be the greatest thigs that one can do, and this confidence we gain from our small sucesses enables us to have the courage to handle larger responsibilities. I just need to change my focus on school, and doing well with that first, before pursuing other endeavors. Hopefully, when that is complete, I will then be able to direct my attention on other goals and dreams. Washington is my final destination. I hope that will become a reality.

April

I just completed my Psychotherapy class. Looking back from the beginning what did I learn? Some times it's best to speak up and some time it best to not speak up. I had several assignments that encouraged me to do reading and identify my theoretical orientation. I was drawn to existentialism and Alderian Therapy. What I have to look at is that I still have absolutely no practical experience with Counseling. Really, I do not know where i will be after Graduation. I almost think that something rather different is around the corner. I have been spending my time looking up possibilities for a business after graduation. I always wanted to have a business, I just didn't really know what it would be. I'm not sure what it will be still. I have thought of several things. What are my current interest:

• Hemp fabric, clothing,cultivating mushrooms,silk screening, dying fabric, and organic clothing.

I have thought about the initial investments for each of these projects. I am not really sure which I am going to start doing. I would like to start the mushroom growing project and the silk screening project first. I am still waiting to see what actually happens.
I also have begun my interest in off the grid living. I suspect that I am dreaming or planning for my future life. I have looked into Yurts and believe that it will be my home of choice. So, looking this year 2010 what do I most definitely see happening? Graduating from college with a MA in Counseling in the Spring of 2010. Do I see myself completing my work towards Licensed? I am skeptical about that. I really want this upcoming year to be a turning point for me. I'm hoping to leave the rat race, which I'm desperately trying to avoid already by not finding work, and desperately want to move out of the city life into the off the grid life. I do not have the desire to work long years unhappily in any job. I just ended three years unhappy, I couldn't imagine myself continuing down this path. However, completing my degree was important for me, to feel that I set out that goal long ago and it has finally been accomplished. I could care less about working for anyone else again. I will rather remain broke and poor, then sell my soul to another unhappy job. I have attempted to look for work, somewhat but I haven't been able to find anything worth my time. Again, I would rather not have anything new in my life until I find some place worth my time. I believe that the right job will come if it is meant to be, or when I pray enough for it to happen, it will present itself to me. I had an interview several weeks ago, hoping that I would be hired part time at a shelter, but they haven't called. Probably, being that I was terminated from my last job, that will forever hold a dark light over me. Unfortunately, the job was only part time, and hour away, and paid only $9. If anything I am not doing it for money, it would be to get myself back into a working pace, and related to my education level. I'm finding that because I choose to take out loans, I do not have to work, it's not life threatening at the moment. However, I believe that the loans will at some point be paid off. I somehow have this knowing that it will all be taken care of, that I am able to take care of myself in each moment as I need, and that everything that I need in my life will come exactly at the right time. As well everything that isn't in my life isn't there because I don't need it at that time.

• As far as my class, I'm glad it's completed. What I really learned is that I really get frustrated when working with others. I also really could care less about class participation. I hate it when other people don't listen to what I have to say, and when other people think they know what they are doing when it comes to group work. This last class group we received a 100 for participation, but I could tell clearly that the other group did a better job. For one, they followed directions! My group procrastinated until the last minute to get started on the project, and then when we met up, I already had my part completed. But no one really listened to what I said which was "I did my part already, and I'll do some more additional work for the presentation, but we are not leaving out what I already started. I found that one of the guys in my group, didn't even listen to what I said about the work already done, and assumed that I was going to throw that work that I already researched out. then I had communication issues with other people, and really it's was fucking bullshit if you ask me. I didn't even want to do that topic in the first place. I found that it's best not to have a plan, and to be as flexible as possible when working with other, because everyone will have their own idea. But for me I deal with my ability to assert myself in a group situation, which I struggle with verbally. I often feel that I like to plan ahead to ease my tension, but then when I get to the group, I do not always have the opportunity to discuss what has been on my mind. I also felt that the others wanted to do the presentation in a particular format, which I had already thought about ahead of time, but then they wanted to do it their way anyway. This was particularly frustrating, because I realized that no one other then me looked at the syllabus to see what the professor was asking us to answer. This where we failed as a group. My slides were on target, with answering the questions, but everyone else just managed to provide general information about the topic. The real problem is that the group was lead by someone who thinks they know what he was doing, but essentially not. He did do a good presentation, of his slides, but I felt as far as making sure that the details were more in line of answering the questions that the teacher wanted us to do, was not. Sometime, I think that others are too closed minded.
  
• I did learn about Psychotherapy. I am able to understand more about what treatments are out there for particular disorders. What I learned is that it's very important that we see what research says about effective treatments. This is very important that we are aware of what is out there, and that this is always changing. One of the things that I noticed especially just in my group, because I had some problem presenting a slide with information that I wanted on EEG. Part of our assignment was to present information on alternative treatments for ADHD, and one alternative treatment is EEG. it has receive much media attention, and has been said to be compared to be as effective as medication. Another reason I've been interested in EEG is because my husband has Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy, and it is an alternative treatment. it look promising. When I initial discovered this information, it was a NASA video that designed a video game for youth with ADHD. I mentioned this to the other people in my group, and they were very judgemental. Oh video gaming is very bad,etc.. Well I looked further, to convince them to look into it, so that I could at least present it, because at this point I knew that if it was controversial, we could have a discussion about it. I also wanted to be creative and have a class discussion. No one in my group wanted to use the information related to EEG, or use my discussion. They even outwardly said they removed my video, and asked me to not include that slide. Well Fuck You!! I'll be damned at that point. So, I condensed my slide, but still presented it. However, we didn't watch the video or have the discussion. Ask me what I'm learning about Psychotherapy? Shit, I'm learning more about these people that I really am beginning to have difficulties working with because they are being so ignorant! It's hard to stay focused on the actual subject and assignment when dealing with these group situations. this is exactly what I isolate myself in class, and rather not response or share my thought in class. For starters, my thought are not up for discussion. When I speak it's most likely a statement, and unless it's not factual information, it's just an opinion to anyone else. I particularly myself am not interested in opinions.
• Another assignment was to do a discussion group. We had to identify our top five Christian principles. I for one am not a converted Christian. i may become one, and I may not. However, I still am aware of GOD, and just because I am not Christian I still have the ability to have a personal relationship with God. This is a concept that I think that Christian people who are believer, have trouble dealing with. They think that people who are not believers ,in Christ, do not have a relationship or know God. They seem to not understand that God exists outsides of the context of their religion. This is something that I am becoming aware of by being in this college. How do I gather this? From the reply of other students. It would seem to me that one would be limiting themselves by only working from Christian framework, and only with Christian clients. Perhaps, they do not see it this way. In fact, it probably is convent for them because they will already have this basic relationship from which they can relate to in the context of therapy. The Christian counselor can relate the their client better if they come from a similar understanding, and belief. But it really isn't up to the counselor to impose their belief onto their client. I'm seeing that one would run into a lot of problems coming from this perspective. I would find that it would be better to understand that clients may come from a variety of different backgrounds, and to respect these differences between them. I believe that it would be important for the counselor to leave this up to the client whether or not they would want to discuss their spirituality into therapy. this is something that I would not feel comfortable speaking with a counselor myself, so I am believing that there are many others that may be in the similar place. That's why I think by the counselor leaving out their spirituality out of therapy. Its about the client's beliefs, and something they may be different from mine. I would like to leave it there. I think that it's important for the counselor to have a good understanding of the clients beliefs so that they can help them, but only as much as they are willing to accept.
  
• Psychotherapy- so what have I thought of possibly doing? Leaving this field altogether if possible. If not, I have thought of EMDR. I also thought of drug and substance use. Either way there is along road ahead of me if I were to remain on this path. There are 3000 hours after graduation to get supervision. Then I have to get licensed. This is a lengthy process. I'm not sure where my future will lead. Right now I know that I'm not working, I really could care less of going back into the rat race. I'm starting to read up on alternative living, and my mind is thinking about possible alternative careers that I could do rather then continue this path. I want to break free, and I'm waiting for the right moment. It's not the same being responsible for five people. It's not like I can just get in the car and drive anymore. I have to be careful how I go about this. But I'm thinking, and I know that the guidance will come to show me the way to go. The way that in in my heart and soul, is the way I will go. I want a different life then the one I have lived now, or in the past. I want to change who I am, and how I am living. This concrete jungle in the city is not living. It is killing me, and the people in this country. I am not pleased or happy with the materialistic life. I can't wait to be in the Nature, surrounded by the trees,birds,water,and mountains, on a beautiful sky blue clear day. That is my dream, and I will do what ever I can do to get there.
  

April 2010

• I haven't recieved a CASA case yet, but any time now. I will be going to another place tomorrow to start training for as a Grace worker. Basically connecting services to people in financial crisis. I will be responsible for intake, and assessment, and approving or denying them based on policy. I hope that it will provide me experience for some future job, since I'm still not working. I had a job interview on Thursday, and don't know if I will get it yet. It is part time, but if they decide to hire me, I'm hoping it will develop into something full time. The goal is to re-establish myself working at some point, before I graduate. I'm almost completed with the Theories of Counseling and Psychotherapy class. I am somewhat displeased with the class, while most of the work I learned was reading the textbook. I could have save myself lots of money, but that's the nature of the degree, I have to pay to get the diploma. Overall, I'm my class experience is somewhat boring and I'm finding myself refraining from interacting with the class. Overall, I would rather not even go to class based on my experiences being displeasing. So, what have I learned as far as Counseling. I had to consider my theoretical orientation. It isn't an easy process. For one taking into consideration where the research is, where I will be able to get a practicum, and training after work, the emergence of managed care systems, etc. Still I need to consider what orientation that I believe explains personality and psychopathology. There are quite a few pairs, and it seems that the way to approach this is by identifying the process of change that is common to each one. For my paper I considered Existentialism, and Alderian therapy. Even after writing that paper, I'm still unsure where I'll end up, and I am okay with that. I'm trying to think now what are the most important components that I would include in my own approach would have to be :
• Choosing- The individual has the capacity to choose, and this choosing is important. To be able to make choices at every moment of our lives. The client has to choose every day what part of their life they will continue and what part they will discontinue. If they say that they want to change some part of their life, then it is up to them to do it. They will experience anxiety for not following through with something they already said that they want to change. Existentialism talks of Kairos, which is a choice point where a significant decision must be made. This part, the action part of actually taking the courage to change is not always easy, and it takes courage for someone to make the change. It may not happen overnight, and the person may experience distress during this process. Ultimately, they alone are responsible for their change.If one delays the choice, they experience anxiety.
• Responsibility- Individual responsibility for creating their life. I believe that increasing individual level of responsibility in their life. Existentialism helps clients make these changes with behavioral interventions, but encourages them to take a look at becoming more responsible. What is it that they can make changes in their life at a daily level, this week, one day at a time.
  
• Existential Guilt- this is a consequence for having sinned against ourselves. This means that they were not authentic to themselves.
• The Meaning of Life- One does not discover the meaning of life, one creates meaning out of life. What are the things that we are willing to stand for? What are the beliefs that are our foundations?
• Ideal Individual- Authentic individual making life choices that create meaning out of existence. The only value a person must follow is to be authentic is to be honest, even in the face of nothingness. When the person can be honest we can no longer predict what that person can be. What I like about this is that at this point while i am trying to discover who I am in this process, of completing my education as a Counselor, I am still open to the possibility that at the end of this I do not know who I will be. What I want to know is what are the other possibilities that I can become? When I come to the end of this path, what else is there for me to become? This is what keeps me searching, because even though I may live this life now, I know that in the future there will be a different one. What will it look like. Part of me is accepting that I am the creator of my life. It is one thing to deal with reality being that there are things that are in my life that I can't control. For now, i am not continuing to live certain parts of y life, or give them attention to the things that i can't do anything about. Like losing my job. That was a significant event. The problem is that I had a job but was very unhappy with it since the beginning. The times I was most happy was in the beginning when I thought I would be able to move up within the agency and do some additional work. They choose to deny me this opportunity, and it went downhill from there. The others that were in that environment didn't care about themselves if they did they made it, if they didn't then there was little that I could do. I found myself doing less and less, as far as being responsible for other people. I realized that each other person that was in that environment needed to be responsible for themselves, and there wasn't anything that I could do to " control" them. I realized over time that my happiness diminished and I became depressed. I also realized that I no longer wanted to work there, but I was working there because of the money it paid to support my families life at home. I could have cared less and probably should have quit long ago. but I continued to lie to myself telling myself that I should stay there for various reasons. I stayed there mainly because it had benefits and paid my bills at home. This was unfortunate, because the people that I was responsible for were quite difficult people. I also preferred the job because there was less people to interact with. It isolated me into a position where I interacted little with others. It's amazing how we can convince ourselves into believing something in order to maintain our lives, even when we are unhappy. Finally, I was terminated! I really came to a point where I was inconsistent with my work. Funny thing is some of the things they had a problem with, that were the reason that I was discharged for, were things that they overlooked me for years. I was overlooked as a staff, and under appreciated. I was never once given praise for doing a good job. They neglected me as a staff, and why should I do anything for an agency that doesn't appreciate me as a staff. they took me for granted, and used me. I allowed it to continue for too long. I am so thankful that I am no longer there. The good thing is that I am starting a volunteer work and will recieve the training that I need to be able to work again. I hope that I will find the place that I am most happy being. I know that I will not be able to stay out of work forever, but I pray that I will secure a job that I will be appreciated for. I can't stand working for or with ungrateful people.
  

CASA

I completed my CASA training finally Thursday. I have to wait until March 15th I will be appointed through CASA by the judge. Apparently it's a formal event. We can bring the kids and take pictures. I now have to wait until my first case. All information is confidential, but the role of a CASA is to advocate in the best interest of a child. I will be assigned a case by the Director of Rutherford County CASA, and I stay with the case until the child is in permanent placement. A CASA is responsible for doing an investion, and maintains communication with a variety of other individuals that are involved with the child. Then a report will be written up that is presented in court. There were a variety of other individuals that started training at the same time as myself. It's nice to be a part of an organization right here in my community. I am looking forward to this new experience.

focus of the present and future

I've decided that I'm going to put the past behind me. I have brought closure to my past, bad experience, and I'm no longer going to feed that hungry wolf. I have learned from the past, and these experiences I carry within me. I do not need to write about that experience anymore. So, from this day forward, I am only going to focus on what is going on in my life currently today, or my plans for the future.